I can't let go.

My bedroom, unfortunately, sits above the garage, so to my misfortune the summers are even hotter and the winters are even colder. My mother can attest to this, as I am always complaining that it's too hot or too cold in my room.

For the past year or so my mom's been wanting to move out of our house because next year my brother will be in middle school and the school he'll go to has a sourly reputation. In an effort to avoid this she wanted to move with the added perk that she'll be closer to work (and her newborn nephew).

However, with the housing market being what it is, we've decided not to move and since we're staying I am now moving into the teeny tiny extra bedroom and we're turning my room into the game room. It's kind of exciting. I've always wanted a game room.

Since I am switching from the second largest bedroom to the smallest, it means that I have to get rid of some stuff - a lot of stuff, actually.

The problem is.... I just did this a month or so ago and I only got rid of one trashbag's worth of stuff. I just can't part with all of my things. There are so many things that have sentimental value and then the other stuff I always want to keep just in case I need it one day.

I guess I really should prioritize what I do and don't need. I guess if I haven't used my stuff in a year or more I should throw it out, right?

227

I keep writing. I can't stop. Every since I got back from New York my mind has been on overdrive. There is so much I want to write about. What I saw, what I did, what I said, who I met. But my thoughts cannot collect themselves. It's like one giant bag of mess in my brain right now. I think I'm still in Mission mode and I can't come down from this cloud. Christmas is kind of a blur to me. I can't remember much about the day, but I can remember every single thing that happened in New York.

I remember the bus ride and how agonizingly long it was. I can remember the way the chilled air smelled. I remember walking into Bowery for the first time since May and being transported back to the summer. It would have been like we'd never left, if it weren't for the people - some old had left and many new had come. I remember hating the way the city made me feel - pushy people, crowded streets.

And then I remembered the smiles, the hugs, the walks, and the talks with some of the most beautiful people I've ever met.

Leaving my second home this time was just as hard as the first. And while I'm here I keep wondering when I'll get to go back.

I Feel Like I'm Living in a Thomas Kinkade Portrait.

Outside my bedroom window, tiny snowflakes dancing and frolic past my window pane to the ground below. A thin layer of snow already covers the ground and since it's noon on a school day there are no kids to play in it and disturb the white sheet with footprints and sled tracks until later this evening.

Virginia weather is always so fickle, one day it could snow and the next it could be sixty degrees. So, for us, snow is a rare and beautiful gift. We haven't had a white Christmas since my second grade year and hopefully this year will break that record.

I Take This Life For Granted

So tonight I'll count my blessings. I'll thank God for all the wonderful parts of my life. The things only He could have given me.

1. My kind, loving, supportive family
2. Wonderful, fun, and uplifting friends
3. Being alive
4. A warm house in the winter (even if it isn't as warm as I hope, sometimes) and a cool house in the summer
5. Clothes that don't look like brown paper bags
6. A singing voice that I'm not afraid to share with the world anymore
7. The ability to walk (because I'm often lazy and want to drive from Curry to BCM instead of walk the five minutes across campus in the cold)... but more importantly, the ability to dance (even though I can't do it well)
8. The ability to find the good in everyone I meet
9. My camera, because I can capture the moments I love and save them to pull out on rainy days
10. Jesus
11. His grace and mercy
12. His love

Legacy

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.

- Oscar Wilde

Although a brilliant playwright and author, good ol' Wilde couldn't have been more wrong in the previous statement. What about the women who want to be like their mothers? My nana is a strong woman full of grace and beauty. Her laugh brings a smile to my face always and her smile warms my heart. She touches so many lives by just being kind and caring. And I see her daughters reflect the same caring heart and kind nature.

While others dwell on the bad traits inherited from parents, I praise God for the wonderful traits I have inherited.

From my grandmother I have received a sharp mind and quick wit, a beautiful singing voice, and a humble heart. From my nana I have recieved a caring nature and funny sense of humor. And from my mother I have received not only my name and my life, but also the ability to love and laugh. I have learned to dream and smile and never put myself down from her. I've learned how to think before I speak and look before I leap. I've learned that I always have a home. I always have a family because of these three amazing women.

So, Mr. Wilde, I have become like my mother. But it is no tragedy; it is a blessing.

The Thing I Hate About Movies

I hate that movies try to make life seem simpler and carefree, but really don't give any insight at all. There are movies, for example, where the hero/heroine learn a lesson the hard way. This may seem like the media is trying to relate to today's world. But not everyone learns lessons the first time they are put to the test. Some people have to relive these mistakes over and over again. Some people dwell on their mistakes, some people suffer from depression, some people suffer from denial.

I also hate the movies that make it seem like rules will always be broken in their favor. For instance, there is always the standard two girls fighting over the one guy. The whole movie, they fight over him and sabotage the other girl, and in the end they find out the guy is a jerk and they're friends again - moving on to find their princes. This doesn't happen in real life. Okay, maybe ten percent of the time it happens in real life. But real life is not tv. Real life is about making mistakes that you don't always learn from the first (or any) time. Real life is about losing friends. Real life is about being the rule and not the exception.

I guess REAL LIFE movies don't exist because everyone wants a happy ending.

*This has been a depressing post.

Goodbyes and Chi Droppings

It is in my heart of hearts that I hold our friendship.

Tonight I said goodbye to dear friends. Friends who have loved me, laughed with me, cried with me. For a graduation situation, people are usually excited and relieved, but tonight was bittersweet. As a parting gift, two of my friends passed down Chi Droppings to me which represent the spirit of our school.

It was at this school that we met, and inside of these droppings is not only the spirit of the school, but the spirit of our friendship as well.

You may be gone in body, but never in soul or mind. I will carry your love with me on this campus as well as for the rest of my life. And on that day when I pass down these same droppings, I will use them to show how one relationship ultimately leads to more and that someway and somehow we are all connected to each other through love.

I am still learning

I am still learning to appreciate everything You've given me.

I am still learning to never take for granted anything I'm given,

because in a moment it can all be taken away.

I am still learning that trust is more important than control.

I am still learning that I must be patient.

I must be patient.

I must be patient.

I am still learning that everything happens for a reason.

I am still learning to learn from my mistakes.

I am still learning to love.

I am still learning to forgive.

But one thing I know for certain;

You love me and that will never change.