I can't let go.

My bedroom, unfortunately, sits above the garage, so to my misfortune the summers are even hotter and the winters are even colder. My mother can attest to this, as I am always complaining that it's too hot or too cold in my room.

For the past year or so my mom's been wanting to move out of our house because next year my brother will be in middle school and the school he'll go to has a sourly reputation. In an effort to avoid this she wanted to move with the added perk that she'll be closer to work (and her newborn nephew).

However, with the housing market being what it is, we've decided not to move and since we're staying I am now moving into the teeny tiny extra bedroom and we're turning my room into the game room. It's kind of exciting. I've always wanted a game room.

Since I am switching from the second largest bedroom to the smallest, it means that I have to get rid of some stuff - a lot of stuff, actually.

The problem is.... I just did this a month or so ago and I only got rid of one trashbag's worth of stuff. I just can't part with all of my things. There are so many things that have sentimental value and then the other stuff I always want to keep just in case I need it one day.

I guess I really should prioritize what I do and don't need. I guess if I haven't used my stuff in a year or more I should throw it out, right?

227

I keep writing. I can't stop. Every since I got back from New York my mind has been on overdrive. There is so much I want to write about. What I saw, what I did, what I said, who I met. But my thoughts cannot collect themselves. It's like one giant bag of mess in my brain right now. I think I'm still in Mission mode and I can't come down from this cloud. Christmas is kind of a blur to me. I can't remember much about the day, but I can remember every single thing that happened in New York.

I remember the bus ride and how agonizingly long it was. I can remember the way the chilled air smelled. I remember walking into Bowery for the first time since May and being transported back to the summer. It would have been like we'd never left, if it weren't for the people - some old had left and many new had come. I remember hating the way the city made me feel - pushy people, crowded streets.

And then I remembered the smiles, the hugs, the walks, and the talks with some of the most beautiful people I've ever met.

Leaving my second home this time was just as hard as the first. And while I'm here I keep wondering when I'll get to go back.

I Feel Like I'm Living in a Thomas Kinkade Portrait.

Outside my bedroom window, tiny snowflakes dancing and frolic past my window pane to the ground below. A thin layer of snow already covers the ground and since it's noon on a school day there are no kids to play in it and disturb the white sheet with footprints and sled tracks until later this evening.

Virginia weather is always so fickle, one day it could snow and the next it could be sixty degrees. So, for us, snow is a rare and beautiful gift. We haven't had a white Christmas since my second grade year and hopefully this year will break that record.

I Take This Life For Granted

So tonight I'll count my blessings. I'll thank God for all the wonderful parts of my life. The things only He could have given me.

1. My kind, loving, supportive family
2. Wonderful, fun, and uplifting friends
3. Being alive
4. A warm house in the winter (even if it isn't as warm as I hope, sometimes) and a cool house in the summer
5. Clothes that don't look like brown paper bags
6. A singing voice that I'm not afraid to share with the world anymore
7. The ability to walk (because I'm often lazy and want to drive from Curry to BCM instead of walk the five minutes across campus in the cold)... but more importantly, the ability to dance (even though I can't do it well)
8. The ability to find the good in everyone I meet
9. My camera, because I can capture the moments I love and save them to pull out on rainy days
10. Jesus
11. His grace and mercy
12. His love

Legacy

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.

- Oscar Wilde

Although a brilliant playwright and author, good ol' Wilde couldn't have been more wrong in the previous statement. What about the women who want to be like their mothers? My nana is a strong woman full of grace and beauty. Her laugh brings a smile to my face always and her smile warms my heart. She touches so many lives by just being kind and caring. And I see her daughters reflect the same caring heart and kind nature.

While others dwell on the bad traits inherited from parents, I praise God for the wonderful traits I have inherited.

From my grandmother I have received a sharp mind and quick wit, a beautiful singing voice, and a humble heart. From my nana I have recieved a caring nature and funny sense of humor. And from my mother I have received not only my name and my life, but also the ability to love and laugh. I have learned to dream and smile and never put myself down from her. I've learned how to think before I speak and look before I leap. I've learned that I always have a home. I always have a family because of these three amazing women.

So, Mr. Wilde, I have become like my mother. But it is no tragedy; it is a blessing.

The Thing I Hate About Movies

I hate that movies try to make life seem simpler and carefree, but really don't give any insight at all. There are movies, for example, where the hero/heroine learn a lesson the hard way. This may seem like the media is trying to relate to today's world. But not everyone learns lessons the first time they are put to the test. Some people have to relive these mistakes over and over again. Some people dwell on their mistakes, some people suffer from depression, some people suffer from denial.

I also hate the movies that make it seem like rules will always be broken in their favor. For instance, there is always the standard two girls fighting over the one guy. The whole movie, they fight over him and sabotage the other girl, and in the end they find out the guy is a jerk and they're friends again - moving on to find their princes. This doesn't happen in real life. Okay, maybe ten percent of the time it happens in real life. But real life is not tv. Real life is about making mistakes that you don't always learn from the first (or any) time. Real life is about losing friends. Real life is about being the rule and not the exception.

I guess REAL LIFE movies don't exist because everyone wants a happy ending.

*This has been a depressing post.

Goodbyes and Chi Droppings

It is in my heart of hearts that I hold our friendship.

Tonight I said goodbye to dear friends. Friends who have loved me, laughed with me, cried with me. For a graduation situation, people are usually excited and relieved, but tonight was bittersweet. As a parting gift, two of my friends passed down Chi Droppings to me which represent the spirit of our school.

It was at this school that we met, and inside of these droppings is not only the spirit of the school, but the spirit of our friendship as well.

You may be gone in body, but never in soul or mind. I will carry your love with me on this campus as well as for the rest of my life. And on that day when I pass down these same droppings, I will use them to show how one relationship ultimately leads to more and that someway and somehow we are all connected to each other through love.

I am still learning

I am still learning to appreciate everything You've given me.

I am still learning to never take for granted anything I'm given,

because in a moment it can all be taken away.

I am still learning that trust is more important than control.

I am still learning that I must be patient.

I must be patient.

I must be patient.

I am still learning that everything happens for a reason.

I am still learning to learn from my mistakes.

I am still learning to love.

I am still learning to forgive.

But one thing I know for certain;

You love me and that will never change.

I really hope this doesn't turn into tumblr.

Because I keep posting things I've made. :P

For JennBenn (:

Have a great day

Inspired or just bored?

Last night I made a banner for my blog, as you can see. And then afterwards I made one for Jordan's blog.

And then today I just made some quote pictures.

I just got bored. :P

One month and counting...

In exactly one month I will be on a Greyhound bus bound for that beautiful brick building on Bowery street. A building filled with men whose lives have been transformed by the glorious grace of God. A building that I call my second home very effortlessly. A building where some of my best friends live. A building full of love and hope. A building that was so hard for me to leave the first time I cannot imagine ever leaving it again. But I won't think of that right now. I will just think about the look on all the guys' faces when we get up there!

I can't wait to be home.

And the inspiration award goes to..

I just wrote two songs in the past 16 minutes and I really like both of them. I mean sure they need a little tweaking, but TWO SONGS?! I'm lucky to write one song a month, usually. It takes me so long to write a song because I often lack motivation or inspiration. But tonight as I sang Etta James and Ella Fitzgerald and then moved on to a more modern Norah Jones, it hit me!

I popped out two songs and loved them both. I even recorded them onto my computer with that little recorder thing which I hate doing because I know someday I'll have to listen to it and I hate the sound of my own voice. But I had to record them because I can't forget the tune!

I sure hope Anna was serious when she said if I came up with the lyrics she'd write the music for it! (:

Why, hello Grammy - I can see you already.

God and Brownies

Let me tell you why God is so amazing.

This whole week I was stressed out. And I shouldn't have been, but I'm a perfectionist when it comes to certain things - singing, for example. My voice has to be perfect because my voice is the most precious thing I have from God (other than my family and friends). I see my voice as a huge gift and when I am sick... I don't sing. When I can't hit a high note... I don't sing. When it's too low... I don't sing. When I'm in front of a huge crowd I still get jitters even though after singing in New York my jitters have slowly started fading away.

But tonight was a big night. When I'm in charge of something (especially music) it has to be perfect. And things were not going perfectly. Songs were being rearranged, I wasn't on time for things. I was unorganized a few times, I wasn't ready for practices. I had a bazillion things to do an hour before everyone would have started arriving. I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

I couldn't eat I was so nervous.

But then...

A good friend pulled me aside. We went into a little room. She closed the doors and we stood in the dark. She took both of my hands and started praying. For this, I love her. (And for many other things too of course.) She prayed for God to bring me peace about the night. She prayed for Him to make me calm. She prayed for everything to work out.

Before going up on stage, I did not hear anything anyone was saying. I was praying the entire time. I told God that it was all out of my hands. Everything was up to him. The lives he transformed, the things people heard or took in from all of it. It was all His.

And as soon as I stood up on that stage, before I uttered a single word, I was immediately calm. I had no fear, no nervousness, no fright, nothing. I let myself go. I even sang a few off-key notes and didn't flinch. So many imperfections happened that I noticed. But they never fazed me.

I had the most fun tonight that I've ever had while leading Worship. It was so amazing for me to really experience God while I was leading my peers. It's been really hard for me to really worship while leading because I dwell so much on the actual leading part than coming in contact with God. It was a nice break. It was a nice change.

And then of course, after everything, another good friend came up and told me that a girl he'd gone to high school with came to our organization for the first time tonight. She was kind of a party girl in high school and tonight during our songs she was crying. I suppose it's hard to watch someone break down, but at the same time it's good because they are making their peace with God. They are going to learn from the experiences.

Anyway, before I went to sing I couldn't eat anything. But soon after I was ravenous so I downed two brownies... and then went for a bagel.

So now here I sit, writing this blog and staring at a zip-lock bag of brownies... should I go for a third?

Think. Write.

I am obsessed with writing. Almost as much as I'm obsessed with singing. I have two journals and a blog. If that's not ridiculous then I don't know what is. This blog is sort of personal but things I am willing to tell the world. And then I have a VERY personal journal in which I confide in. It is pink and pretty. And then I have an inspiration journal. Which isn't so much inspirational - it's more of just an artsy kind of journal. Basically it's TUMBLR, just not on the internet. And if you don't know what tumblr is then I'm sorry.

So anyway, I've been going really strong for the last couple days. I've been journaling every night, blogging every day, and I've made 11 new pages in my Inspiration journal just in the past two days. I love writing. I love drawing. I love CREATING. It feels good to see the finished product.

Excerpts from my Inspiration Journal

Food for the Soul

Singing is my therapy. I used to think it was writing, but I've realized now more than ever that singing songs - old ones, new ones, original ones - helps me to relax and concentrate.

I have a severe love affair with music.

Imperfect fits me perfectly

I currently read this blog and got inspiration for the following post.

I know that only Jesus was perfect and no other person on earth shall bear the title of "perfect". Even though I try so hard so often to be "perfect", I know I can never be. So here I am embracing the fact that I am imperfect. But it fits me so perfectly.

• Some days, most days, I don't wear make up.
• I lose my temper easily when it comes to my brother.
• Things annoy me that probably shouldn't.
• I often say the wrong thing or don't think before I speak.
• Sometimes I lie to the people I love so they won't worry about me.
• I whine too much.
• I procrastinate.
• I get into moods where I don't want to talk/listen to/be around any people at all. This mood switch can happen so fast that I didn't even see it coming.
• I rarely finish the projects I start.
• I can be judgmental
• I have a hard time saying "no".
• I'm VERY critical when it comes to people's singing and/or acting abilities
• I have an overwhelmingly strong desire to quit school and move to NYC to pursue a Broadway career

To some I seem very put together. But I get frazzled very easily and sometimes I lose my cool.

I like knowing, though, that I don't have to have it together all the time - even though when I'm having a breakdown moment I don't see it as very ideal.

The Secret to Happiness is...

..that there isn't a secret at all.

1. Be yourself. It sounds corny, but it's true. You were born an original. Don't die a copy.
2. Smile. A lot. Laugh when you want to and sing all the time. I tell people to sing because that's how I cope with things. Whenever I'm sad or stressed or hurting I sing and it instantly makes me feel better, as does listening to music. And you don't need a good voice to sing. It doesn't matter if you can't carry a tune in a bucket or you can, if you have a problem with pitch or not, if you're off key or on it, sing loudly and proudly.
3. Write - it's a wonderful stress reliever. I don't know what's wrong with me, but for the past week all I've been doing is writing in my journal. ALL. THE. TIME. I've never written as much as I have the last few days. It's wonderful.
4. Tell someone you love that you love them.
5. Pop bubble wrap. It's fun and theraputic.
6. Blow bubbles outside. Who didn't love blowing bubbles as a child. If we do child-like things that remind us of that time when we were young and carefree, then we'll feel young and carefree.
7. Find an animal that you love and play with it. I love dogs, but some people prefer a cat or a hamster, maybe even a snake....
8. Create something. A novel, a drawing, a painting, a song, a sculpture, pottery, jewelry, clothing. Make something that is all yours, belongs to no one but you.
9. Cry. It releases endorphins and makes you happy.
10. Take pictures. Capture those happy moments and no matter what happens never ever burn them. Why should you erase something if it once made you happy?

Let it out

She took a look at the world around her and all she saw was red. Hearts, faces, doors, windows.... She looked through everything and noticed that everything was different than she'd seen before. People were hurting, crying, in pain. And when she'd finished crying herself, she smiled and some of the red faded into the background. The sky turned a shade of blue she'd never imagined possible. The sun shone a little brighter than ever before. People took off their masks. Life had meaning. Words spoken were not words of hate, but of love. Life was lighter. Life had meaning. Time passed by slowly, allowing her to drink in every moment. Her heart felt light and her head was in the clouds. Life had meaning. All because she cried.

Crying cleans out the toxins in our bodies - whether it be of our soul or body.

Don't hold it in because it just makes it worse.

Let it out.

Selfish, party of one, your table's ready....

Tonight, after talking through a problem with a good friend, I realized that all this time I've been completely selfish in my pain. I thought that I was the only person going through something while everyone else is fighting a battle as well.

I didn't even know what was going on with him until tonight and now I realize I've been so blind to the goings-on around me, especially with my friends.

It's not even that my problems are so big, it's just that sometimes I think I'm a freak because I feel some of the things I feel. At times, I really think I'm screwed up - like the way my mind works and especially how easy it is for me to fall for someone. (I've always hated that thing about myself. I get attached way too quickly.)

But tonight, I saw what problems he was having to deal with and my heart just went out to him. He had so many emotions - regret a huge one.

I try to live my life by "no regrets" - that everything is a learning experience, and that's what I told him. And although sometimes there is just NO talking to him because he's hard-headed and stubborn, I think it gave him something to think about.

So goodnight, my friend. Sleep well and pray, keep God your focus and everything will work out according to His plan.

Personal

I have a job.

You do not do it for me.

I am more than capable of doing it without you, thank you.

Wish

If I was given one wish for anything in the world, I would not wish for a thing. I would want everything to be the same and go on normally. Why would I want to change God's beautiful plan? Sure, I might wish for love... but who's to say that it isn't coming my way soon? I may wish for money, but money makes people shallow. I may wish for good grades... but I want to earn them myself. I may wish for friendship, but I know who my true friends are. I may wish for wisdom, but if God did not make me wise there is a reason. I may wish for more wishes, but what would I wish for then?

No, if I ever got to wish for anything, I'd give it back. I just need my family and friends, a glass of sweet tea, some good music on the radio, and a great book in my hand.

There's a peace I've come to know

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well"

I realize now that I do, in fact, have the anchor I've always wanted.

Thunderous

As the clouds grow darker and darker out my window, I'm struck with the feeling that something dangerous can happen today. Tornado watches, tornado warnings, severe storms, heavy rain, strong winds... all of these are words I do not like hearing. And living on the tenth floor of a building doesn't exactly appease the worry either.

The worst part of the storm is not in this town, but I still don't like the storms.

And then, like always, I get to thinking about the kind of storms in my life. Am I living for God every day? No? There's a storm. Do I judge people too quickly? Yes? There's a storm. Do I procrastinate daily? Like I'm doing right now? There's a storm.

There are constant storms in my life and I try to go around them, but that just ultimately leads me to another storm. So to avoid those storms I try to go through them and end up getting sucked up by a tornado so to speak.

It's so amazing how wrong I am all the time, when I like to think I'm right. But of course, God slaps me across the face and tells me to get over myself.

I like this trait of His.

I think when I go to heaven, we'll be tight.

Bowery

Oh Bowery how I have missed you! You are a beautiful representation of everything Jesus was and is. You stand so tall protecting the inhabitants with love and mercy. You welcome everyone with open arms and persuade them to stay and partake in all you have to offer. What a mighty fortress you are for the Lord. What a beautiful structure so tall and welcoming.

Inside you awaits a home for all of the Dorothys of the world in search of it. A place where men can hear the word and express their love and gratitude for God and all of his power. A refuge for the oppressed is this brick building.

And alas, I will be there in a mere two months to love and embrace all of the ones who've been fortunate enough to wonder into its solace.

In two months I will be reunited.

In two months I will be truly happy.

I wanna dance the tango with chance

There are so many things on campus that I want to get involved in. Ambassadors, newspaper, the longwood show. I want to maybe intern somewhere for a professor if I could. I need to get a job.

I wish I could do all of this and maybe I can, but I'm barely finding enough time in the day for the things I'm already doing - which is not much. How can I fit more into my schedule?

I want to be involved. When I leave school in a few years I want to look back and see that I did productive things while I was here instead of just sitting in my room watching movies or on facebook all day.

But more than anything, for the past month or so I've been wanting to write. That's all I've wanted to do. But I had nothing to write about - nothing to write for. And so now my current aspiration is to write for The Rotunda. I will have to wait until I am off BCM council of course because their meetings are Thursday nights.

I just want to go to a few meetings to see if I really an interested, or if this is just a passing phase I'm going through. But hopefully, this will give me something to occupy my time, and also prove to be something I love.

Pet Peeve

I don't think it's a good idea that after I've been inactive in my blog for so long to have my first post back be something negative, but I need a good rant.

Something that really ticks me off is when I don't like a certain person. Especially when I see this person all the time. I don't like not getting along with people, but how can I when they are.. let me just get it out - annoying?

I try to get along with everyone I meet - find the good in everyone. But some people have personalities that mine doesn't mesh with.

And what ticks me off even more is when these people see that I am not particularly warmed up to them and they try so hard to get me to like them. They compliment me all the time, try to chat with me, offer to do things for me.

The best way for me to like you is to go away - that might have been a little too harsh, right?

I need space, and space is the opposite of what you're giving me. I need breathing room.

And I have no breathing room right now - so to speak.

I know this is not like me at all - but in a way it is. And if you were inside my head this would all make much more sense, but alas, you are not me, you are you. So be you - somewhere else.

*This week has not been good.

Rhymes with "dears"

Let's talk about fears. I have many. And I feel like they keep me from doing many things.

Clowns, sharks, failure, rejection, heights, falling, pain, disappointment, large crowds, needles, darkness.

I feel like in the past week, though, everyone has been talking about their fears, or getting over them. And then this week's topic in bible study was "Fear and Trembling". So, maybe I'm supposed to be listening, right? So that's what I do, right? Wrong. Lindsey never listens.

Here's all these bible verses that I can read and find peace in, but do I? Nope, I sure don't.

• Proverbs 3:24
• Isaiah 51:7
• Mark 5:36
• Matthew 10:31
• Isaiah 12:2
• Psalm 56:3

But I never pay attention because I have to do everything the hard way. I have to be in control.

Well, here it goes.... this is Lindsey listening to God.

Moments.

I live for the moments in my life when I am completely and utterly at ease and so carefree. I live for the excitement of speeding down a back country road on a summer night, with the windows down and the stereo blasting. I live for the moments when I'm sitting in the passenger seat of my best friend's car drinking an Island Fever smoothie, sitting at the end of her road in the empty cul-de-sac and having deep conversations to silly nothing-makes-sense giggling fits. I remember the moments in my childhood and the memories I have that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Going to the hunt club with my dad just so I could climb trees with the older boys who were like my brothers. Catching fifteen caterpillars in a plastic cup and scaring my mom to death by bringing them all inside. Running around in the backyard with my dogs. Pretending I was a mermaid every time I swam in the pool.

Priceless memories are saved in a special folder forever in my brain, that I take out every now and then to reminisce upon.

My high school days were a blast thanks to some very special people who helped me through my worst times and laughed with my at my best. Doing donuts in the driver's ed parking lot, endless laughter fits in the drama prop room, nights spent eating raw cookie dough and staying up until 3 in the morning watching The Princess Bride and Steel Magnolias with my girls. Private jokes shared between me and my family members. These are the moments I live for.

Crying releases Endorphins

Whenever I'm really upset or angry or sad about anything, the best way for me to handle it is to put in my headphones, listen to some really depressing songs and cry. This always helps me. Some people seek therapy, some scream into a pillow, some pop bubble wrap - I drown out the world.

I do this for two reasons:

1. Crying releases endorphins (which make you happy) and so after I'm done I feel so much better.

and

2. Whenever my headphones are in I don't concentrate on ANYTHING else but what's coming into my ears. It's just me and the music. This is why I have such a hard time listening to music while I'm doing homework - because I can never concentrate on anything but the music. I'm transformed. I dissolve into another world where it's only me and my iPod. I am invincible.

That might sound corny, but it's the only way I know to describe it.

I have a special playlist on my iPod for when I need a good cry. It's only a few songs, because it really takes a lot to make me cry. But if anyone ever needs a good cry to let out frustration, anger, sadness, or anything - these are the songs that do it for me:

When I Look At You - Miley Cyrus

Rootless Tree - Damien Rice

Ellsworth - Rascal Flatts

What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts

Leave - The Swell Season

Walk a Little Straighter - Billy Currington

The House that Built Me - Miranda Lambert

So Close - Jon McLaughlin

Jezebel - Iron and Wine

Just a Dream - Carrie Underwood

I just found this video today. I made it last summer. I was (am) such a cheesehead!

Freshman vs. Sophomore

I remember my first weekend on campus like it was yesterday. Well, technically it was my second because the FIRST weekend I was doing all that crazy New Lancer Days stuff (but I don't count that).

I remember my first weekend being really boring. I didn't know anyone that well, and the people I did know, I didn't want to bug them by asking them to do stuff with me, so I sat in my room like a loser and got on Facebook or Tumblr or watched movies.

But THIS year, I had the BUSIEST weekend. I was not in my room before six o'clock at night Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I was going, going, going, all day long and it was glorious! I missed all of my friends over the summer and spending all day long with them for two days was amazing!

I love college.

Jesus wept

She sits on a cold, dirty linoleum floor sobbing for her lost loved one. Tears stain her cheeks and shirt. Feeling so out of control she waits for the feeling to subside, but it does not. In walks one angel, wearing a black shirt and jeans, she sits down beside her and gently strokes her hair, comforting her, silently saying everything will be alright. In walks two more angels, their eyes full of sympathy and understanding. Both kneel down to her, one sitting next to her, patting her arm, the other at her feet. After an hour of tears and corny jokes, laughter and songs, the girl realizes that even when she is broken in a million little pieces that every tear falls for a reason, and that there is beauty in the breaking a young heart.

Mac-uum.

My puppy, Mac. Got him when I was two and had to let him go when I was eighteen. Today, while driving home I starting thinking about him and the last day I saw him alive. Both of his back legs were broken, yet he lay in the laundry basket silent and unmoving. The strangest thing was he wasn't wimpering - only when he moved - or shaking, or freaking out at all. He was peaceful while I stroked him crying and telling him everything would be okay.

He was my baby, and tonight in the car I silently talked to him, telling him I missed him and that I loved him.

It's strange how humans and animals can bond - cats, dogs, horses; the works. Well, Mac was my buddy and even though it's been over a year, his collar still hangs on my bedpost like it has since the night he died and every now and then, after being away from home for a while I'll slip up and say "Yeah, I'm going to get to see my family and my dog," but he won't be there. It's just a big change going from having him by my side for sixteen years and then to not having a pet at all.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.

There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

- Author Unknown

Journal Entry

This new inspiration journal has really brought out my creative side. I cut, paste, draw, and write more than I ever have and I love it (:

--

Today for me a great day. I woke up, internet-ed for a little while and then went to Target and spent some money. After leaving with my venti iced chai tea from Starbucks (couldn't help myself) my aunt called and asked me if I wanted to earn some money (and who doesn't?). So I went to the house they rent out and washed the walls in the living room and the windows in the living room and kitchen, because tenants apparently don't know how to clean. But I earned some money and spent some time with my aunt and Nana so it was a good day (:

Simplistic Living

Two posts in one day, I'm on a roll.

The idea of living in a yurt sounds so appealing to me. And maybe not all the time, but as a get away house, maybe a safe house if I ever choose to take up a life of crime (joke). It's just so rustic and simple. No electricity (but there is plumbing, thank goodness).

I can just picture myself sitting outside my little hut with a steaming cup of tea in my hand reading books and at night, just watching the stars and moon while breathing in deeply and exhaling silent prayers. It sounds very relaxing. Of course, if I ever did live in a yurt, I'd have to venture into civilization every once in a while to update this blog.

Sandals for Change

I just recently found these new shoes/sandals thanks to Caiti. I really love them.

Sseko \say-ko\ sandals are made by women in Uganda who are graduates of Cornerstone Leadership Academy and employees of Sseko Designs. Sseko hires women to work for a period of nine months where they work and live together, while all of the money goes straight to their university education.

These beautifully handmade sandals are crafted from the hands of women who've known poverty and overwhelming sadness, yet still strive for something better.

Basically, I'm buying a pair ASAP.

Inspiration Journal

I've recently started an inspiration journal, which is basically just a journal, but more colorful. I have some secrets, and some not so secrets tucked away, but it's completely colorful. I have one rule and one rule alone for this new journal of mine and it's that there is no white on any page. I will draw, color, and paste over every inch of white paper.

I have no lines, no boundaries, and no dates. I write/draw/create in it multiple times a day.

I did this for the simple reason that writing for me doesn't come as easily as people think. Yes, I can produce essays in a few hours that receive A's and B's, and yes, I can write a short story in an hour and post it on my blog, but unless I have inspiration, I cannot. So I fill this journal with pictures, words, hopes, dreams, and insight that am inspired about.

PS. Since we're talking about inspiration, just for everyone to enjoy - I just found this today and I thought it was a brilliant kind of relaxing/freeing kind of thing. Check this out. Is it not the coolest thing in the world?

Step into a new world.

You know, I've seen a lot of girls post on their blogspots/tumblrs/facebooks/etc. pictures of their purses and its contents, but never have I seen someone upload about their bookshelf. Since I am a bibliophile I felt I had to do this immediately.

This is my bookshelf.

Gilmore Girls seasons 1-7. The complete works.. because it's important.

The last two books of the Karen Kingsbury Redemption series, and the last four books of the Karen Kingsbury Firstborn series. The first Firstborn book is on my nightstand.

*These books were borrowed from Jordan.

Three Cups of Tea is a phenomenal book. I'm only on chapter four, but I love it already. I've actually been reading it for about a year and have only gotten that far. It's kind of hard to follow what with all the Palestinian names and the mountain climbing jargon, but I will finish it someday. Screwtape Letters has been on this shelf since I bought it. I have so many books that I need to read and I always manage to pick up something else before I pick up this one.

I haven't finished The Da Vinci Code, but I've started it. I've seen the movie, so I know what it's about, but I still want to read the book. This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen is my favorite "teen" book ever. And then of course there's The Bible. I don't use that one. The one I use is the NIV and it's on the dresser beside my bed.

Boys Will Put You On A Pedestal (So They Can Look Up Your Skirt) is a funny book my Nana gave me a few years ago. Touch Points for Students is a really good book too. I've kind of been using it for devotions more than reading material. But it helps me nonetheless.

The Irresistable Revolution... 'nuf said. And Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister is really good too. I'm about halfway through. It's written by Gregory MacGuire, the author of Wicked.

I have a huge problem with starting books and then putting them down for so long I have to reread them. The Phantom of the Opera and No Country For Old Men are examples of this. I've read the first maybe three chapters of Phantom of the Opera and the first six chapters of No Country For Old Men. So I definitely need to reread those when the time comes.

I made this portfolio my junior year of high school for my Teacher Interning class. I LOVED interning with Mrs. Willoughby. She was phenomenal and I learned so much from her.

Some people read The Night Before Christmas; but every Christmas Eve I read The Nutcracker. It's my favorite Christmas book by far.

Harry Potter books 4, 5, and 7. I don't own 1, 2, and 3. I have no idea where my number 6 is. :P

The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Vol. 1 and 2. My Grandma gave me these a couple years ago. I've only read the ones I like though. Romeo and Juliet, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Hamlet, Much Ado About Nothing, As You Like It, Macbeth.

My favorite children's books. The others are in storage in our garage. The only kid's book that's missing is You Are Special by Max Lucado. That is in a box underneath my bed.

Dreams

I've had this reoccurring dream for the past month or so, and it's always the same thing occuring, just happening in different ways at different times.

And the other day I opened a fortune cookie that said: "Look for the dream that keeps coming back. It is your destiny".

And that really got me thinking. I mean, I know it's just a piece of paper stuck inside a cookie, but I don't believe in coincidences, so maybe I was supposed to read this piece of paper.

And now the wheels in my head are turning.

Outlet

It seems that this blog has become more of a way to get my "short stories" and poems on the web.

Well, whatever this may be, a journal, a blog, a writing sample, it certainly shall be.

There he was, descending the stairs toward her. Her heart fluttered at her breath caught in her chest at the sight of him. She couldn't believe it. There he was right in front of her. He hadn't seen her yet because he was talking to someone behind him as he clutched the railing, being careful he didn't fall. When he finally looked up he saw her and immediately smiled.

"Laurey!" he exclaimed jumping the last two stairs and running to take her into his arms. He lifted her off the ground, squeezing her tightly and spinning her around. She laughed through happy tears. She was finally here in his arms. She pulled away so she could see his face but instead he pulled her back again, holding her tighter. After a few moments he let her go and a million questions escaped his lips. "What are you doing here?", "How did you get here?", "How long are you staying?" She just smiled at him taking it all in. He hadn't changed at all since she last saw him, a haircut maybe, but his face was still as young and handsome as ever. "What?" he asked, noticing she was staring.

"Nothing," she replied, "I just missed you."

He bent down and kissed her. A bunch of "ohhhhs" and mocking "awws" came from the three guys, his roommates, around them. Laurey rolled her eyes at them while her man, her Stephen, put his arm around her and led her to the couch in the house's great room. Together they sat and talked about their year apart. It felt like an eternity while she was away from him, but now that they were together it felt like no time had passed. His smile lit up her world all over again and her laugh made him feel alive. For a week she stayed with him and they did everything together.

The night before Laurey had to leave Stephen cooked dinner and they ate on the roof of his building looking out at the city lights and sharing private jokes. Stephen brought up his keyboard and performed some original songs for her. She smiled, the sound of his voice gave her chills. Why he never pursued a career as a professional singer she'll never know. A few hours later they lay on a blanket holding hands and whispering sweet nothings in each others' ears. The week had been perfect but she'd come for a reason, news that had to be shared, and now was the perfect moment to tell him.

"I'm moving here," she whispered, "so I can be closer to you."

"What?" he said, sitting up and smiling, almost as if he didn't believe her.

"I'm moving to the city. Being away from you was brutal," she sat up too, "and with school starting again, I don't know when I'll be able to visit again."

"But you can't move here. You're family-."

"Will understand," she cut him off.

"No they won't, plus you have school and your job."

"I'm going to quit school and get a new job up here." She couldn't understand why he was so against this.

"No you're not." He was forceful with his words. She'd never heard him speak this way before.

"Don't you want to be with me?"

He turned his head and look deep into her eyes. "You know I do. I love you. It kills me that you're so far away." He took a strand of her hair in his hand and wiped it behind her ear.

"Well, this way we'll be together."

"No," he stood up and walked over to the railing, his back to her. Laurey stared after him, not knowing what to say. "I quit school," he started, "but I don't want you to. There aren't many jobs you can get now that don't require a degree of some kind. Plus," he said turning around, "you want to be a teacher. You have to go to school."

Laurey stood up and walked to him. She put her arms around his waist and put her head on his chest. Instantly, he wrapped her arms around her as well. "I want to be with you," she said. She looked up at him. "I want to marry you, Stephen. I want to be the mother of your children. I want to be there when you get home from work, whenever you need me, I want to be there."

He looked at her with pain in his eyes. He loved her, but he didn't want her making the same mistake he did. She couldn't give up this oppurtunity. "I love you," he finally said. "But I won't let you regret this. Don't quit school. For me, please don't quit. If we are meant to be together, and I know we are, then we will be in the end. It's going to be hard, and we're going to hate the distance, but we'll be okay."

Laurey's eyes filled with tears. The realization hit her that tomorrow she'd be on a train back home and it would be at least a year - six months if she was lucky - until she'd see him again. She pulled him to her and together they held onto each other as if their lives depended on it.

Life Experiences as a Career Builder

Danny’s red truck barreled up the windy road. A neighbor who saw him pass said he had to be going at least 90 miles an hour. Danny looked at the speedometer, he was pushing 100 and it still wasn’t fast enough. His heart was beating fast and his head was pounding. You need to come home now. The house is on fire. His wife’s words resounded in his head. He’d been at the gun club and was already packing up to head home for lunch when he got her call. Her call! Oh how he froze when she’d said the words. The house is on fire. She said it calmly, but he could tell she was just as scared as he. I’m out. I’m okay. She’s out. She’s okay. He rounded the last corner, his truck leaning on two wheels. He saw it – up ahead. The house completely engulfed in red and orange flames, smoke darker than night pouring out of the open front door. Danny’s wife stood in the neighbor’s backyard just staring up at the house on the hill. Her hand covered her mouth as she sobbed while the house fell. Where were the firemen? Why was no one here? In one movement he stopped his truck, slammed it in park and ran to her. He took her in his arms and together they sobbed and watched their life crash before their eyes. He couldn’t believe it. Everything they worked for their whole lives. For the past thirty-eight years they’d lived in that house. Every smile, every laugh, every tear, and every memory would forever be lost in the ashes of a broken house.

Falling Apart

On a hill, overlooking a forest of green pine and oak trees stands a house. The house where my father was raised. Over the years, it's seen many additions and repairs. The kitchen was recently redone. The garage filled with memories. The back porch was a haven for my grandmother in the spring and summers. So many times I've spent the night in the basement, staying up late giggling and watching movies with my cousins until dawn.

I was just saying to a co worker the other day how wonderful this next week was going to be. I would go up to grandma and grandpa's and sit on the back porch reading books and singing songs, laughing and just being together.

But now the house is gone - the house, the back porch, the garage, everything. Everything they've ever known turned to ash. And I wonder why this happened, and I know that God has a purpose.

He saved my grandparents' lives, but turned their house to rubble. A house that has served as a refuge for my family during the summers and housed my two loving grandparents for so many years.

I know God has a reason for this, but sometimes I wish things would just stay the same. I am still in shock from the news of my second home falling to pieces. I still cannot wrap my head around it. I will miss the way I would try not to break my neck while descending the stairs to the basement. I will miss sitting on the back porch, drinking lemonade and watching the three boys play in the sandbox. I will miss the house that sheltered me from New York summer storms.

But the memories I made there will live on in my heart and hopefully someday soon, the house can be rebuilt by those who cherish all the memories and wish to see the house stand tall yet again.

I'm a wanderer

Ever since I was in middle school I've told myself that after I graduated college I was moving out of Virginia -preferably to the south. And now that I'm in college, and graduating in three years I think about it more and more. It's gotten so bad that I have actually started looking up houses in other states to buy. Of course, I have no money so I'm thinking I'll still have to live with my mom after I graduate to save up money, but I am just so itchy to move and I didn't know why.

But now that I've been away from home for a year, I know. I love my independence. I get a little bit and I soak it all in and I want more and more and more. Yes, I know I'll miss my family - but they've been with me all my life. I need to see how I do without them for a while. I love them all but sometimes if you don't jump you'll never know if you can fly. I may not like it - I may hate living in Alabama (yes, this week I've settled on living in Altoona, Alabama), I may hate being so far away from my family. But I have to go or else I'll hate myself for not trying to live on my own.

I've never lived anywhere except Virginia. Every summer I go up to New York to see my grandma and grandpa. And yes, I've been to Canada and New Mexico. Yes, I've been to Florida and all along the east coast, but I've never lived there. I've never been in these places for longer than two weeks at a time. After being in New York City I realized that the reason I've been planning my big move all these years is because I've never experienced the world before. And as soon as I get enough money I am going to march myself (or drive myself) down to Altoona, Alabama (*this is subject to change) and put a down payment on that gray $105,000 3 bedroom home.

Of course, that cute rancher in Cary, North Carolina still looks good to me.

Either way, I will leave. I will leave Virginia so that I can cross "Leave Virginia for at least one year" off of my to do list and after that year is up will I decided to stay or go. Maybe I will return to Virginia, maybe I will move to another state, maybe I'll move to another country, maybe I will stay where I am.

While I was at school I was always doing something. I was never bored, I was never in my dorm room just sitting. I was always with someone else, talking, laughing, watching movies, singing songs, going to Walmart or Bdubbs. Ever since I got home I have been restless.

I am restless. I am a wanderer. I am a restless wanderer.

Fun-filled Weekend (:

I'm so glad that I don't have to work on Monday. Not because I don't love my kids and I certainly want to make money. But it will be nice to have a three day weekend!

Today, I will be going to see Eclipse with my mom. I'm not a huge fan of the Twilight movies, but since I saw the first two, I have to watch the last two (it's a thing with me...). And I have to admit Eclipse seems better than the last two.. unfortunately that's what I said about New Moon and still ended up being disappointed. Anyway, after the movie we'll be heading to my aunt and uncle's house for dinner and then we're going to a Flying Squirrel's game! (: Yesssss! I LOVE BASEBALL! And now that my brother's done with his little league team I can't watch it. Yes, I understand I can watch baseball on tv, but it's not the same as in real life. I love the atmosphere of baseball games. The people cheering, guys yelling "Peanuts here! Peanuts here! Get your hot nuts here!" Okay, they don't really do that but I can dream, right?

Also, when we go to the game tonight we have box seats. YES! I've never sat in box seats before, but they're great! You don't have to walk through a whole isle of people and worry about knocking over their drinks or stepping on their feet. You have your own entrance to your box and it's great.

And then tomorrow, I will be cleaning my nana's bathrooms for a little extra cash and possibly my bestfriend (yes, one word) will come over to watch I Love You, Man and we will talk about her week at camp. I missed her so much!

And then on Monday I am going Kayaking!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!!! I've wanted to go Kayaking with my aunts for so long and they always keep saying they'll take me, but they never do. And now I'm going.

Words cannot describe how I feel.

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.

(:

And then I go back to work on Tuesday. And then Tuesday night I'm having dinner with Gentry, Jordan, and Sara! (:

Israel

I don't know where you are. I don't know how you got there. And I don't know why you left. But I miss you and I love you. I'm praying for you and I hope that soon you find yourself headed back to that beautiful brick building on Bowery Street.

I hope you know that God loves you and He has you and you don't need to worry about anything because He has it all under control.

There's a picture of you and me in a frame on my desk and every day I will look at it and miss you more and more. I will pray for you and remind myself that we came into each other's lives for a reason.

I'm going to the zoo today!

And I'm going to see some giraffes! :D

So here's some random facts about giraffes that I know:

1. A newborn giraffe is usually about six feet tall. (WOAH!)

2. Each giraffe has a unique coat pattern. (Just like a snowflake)

3. A giraffe's heart weighs 24 pounds.

4. Giraffes can go longer without water than a camel can! (Take that camel lovers!)

5. A giraffe can kill a lion in one kick.

6. Giraffes sleep only for 10 - 30 minutes in one period of 24 hours.

7. Giraffes do not have tear ducts.

8. The gestation period for a giraffe is 15 months.

And that's all I know! (:

I love giraffes.

I don't even know what this is. It just came out.

Mama stared at me, begging to ask the question with her eyes - willing me to speak. I nodded as tears fell down my face and I smiled, holding up my left hand.

Casey came in the front screen door of our little blue rancher and Mama went to hug him with tears in her eyes saying, "Welcome to the family." He glided over to me and took both of my hands in his and leaned in his head so our foreheads were connected and we prayed. We prayed for God to bless our engagement - and for Jessie's quick recovery so she could be our flower girl in May. Mama agreed that May would be a beautiful choice for a wedding at the Lake - in honor of mama and daddy's would be thirtieth wedding anniversary.

Mama cried some more and pulled me into a tight hug. "He'd be so proud of the man you chose," she whispered. "He's a good man, and he'll take good care of you." Mama and I wept. For what I can't say - for daddy, for Casey, for me, for her, maybe for all; I don't know.

Some day, in the far off future.

This is my first summer home from college. I survived my first year of college and returned to my place of residence. And it's nice.

But I want to be on my own. I want to live alone so badly. And it's not because I don't love my family. But I've lived with them for nineteen years, and now that I've gotten my taste of freedom I want it back.

The thing is, I don't want an apartment. I want to move. I want to move to North Carolina in a small little town, live in a cute little cottage next to the river, have my own little dock to tie up a boat, and have a HUGE back yard for my dog to run around in because of course I'll get a little corgi and name him Oscar.

I like Virginia. But I like freedom. I like North Carolina. I like the idea of living on my own in my own house that I can decorate any way I want. Pictures of my family in every room of course, curtains instead of blinds, potted daisies on the front porch every spring, black-eyed Susan's in the backyard. I want to take my corgi out on the boat with me and fish, and swim with my friends. I want to be able to say "I'm going to visit my parents in Virginia for the weekend."

And maybe I won't live there forever, maybe it'll just be a year or two. Maybe I won't even like it. But I'll live and I'll learn.

I might possibly move out to New Mexico. I'll look out my window and see nothing but the beautiful red desert and turquoise sky. At night I'll watch the lightning dance across the earth and thank God that I could witness such a beauty. I'll drive out to Navajo lake every summer and spend all my time climbing the mesas and looking at the ruins at Chaco.

I don't know where I'll be. But I know that I want it to be fun.

Summer Nights

In bare feet I run around the yard at twilight with an empty mason jar in my hand. I am surrounded by dancing fireflies and an orchestra of crickets. It is summertime; the season with the most beautiful nights of all.

The boat house on the lake hides a rusty old 1980 Mastercraft ski boat along with years of priceless memories. And a newly wed couple sit with their feet hanging from the dock into the cool water, lightly splashing one another and chuckling at private jokes, sharing secret kisses while they think no one is watching.

Gran sits in her favorite rocking chair lulling her youngest grand child to sleep as Granddaddy sits beside her with his eyes closed saying a quiet prayer for this blessed day.

Except for the crickets I hear nothing but the sound of my own breathing. In. Out. In. Out. And as I look around me at all of this beauty I think.. This is what Heaven will be like.

Can't sleep? Count sheep.

Has anyone actually ever done that? Because I know I sure haven't.

I cannot sleep. I got into bed at 12:00 midnight and it is now 12:55. I hate not being able to sleep and I'm very thankful for the almost full water bottle beside my computer that I brought into my room today and forgot to drink, because walking down to the kitchen doesn't seem very appealing.

I don't know why I can't sleep. I guess because the television's on or I just have a lot on my mind but either way I hate not being able to sleep. Sleeping is what I do. I sleep all the time, and yes I waste the day, but a day well wasted is not a wasted day at all says John Lennon... or maybe it was Paul McCartney... one of the Beatles said something along those lines. Or maybe it was someone entirely different and they didn't say anything of the sort. Or maybe I dreamt up that quote.

If I could play an instrument, I'd write the music.

But for now I can only write the lyrics...

It's a work in progress.

I'm torn and I'm broken.

I'm ripped apart at the seams.

But You heal my wounds

and You love me unconditionally.

I'm soft and I'm fragile.

I'm faint and I'm weak.

But You hold me close.

You hold me close.

You are the refuge I seek.

You are my sanctuary.

And You never stop loving me.

My Lord and my Savior.

My sanctuary.

Searching

I am searching for meaning. I'm searching for life, for my way, for time.

I'm waiting for a letter, a sign, a confirmation.

I'm chasing a dream... maybe.

I'm trying to stay alive, to keep my cool, to remain calm.

But I am restless.

Extraordinary

I wish I had the patience for drawing. I always look at my friend Emily's masterpieces and wish I were as artistic as she.

And then there's this website that has adorable comics by this girl Li. (http://exocomics.com/127) She puts her personality into her drawings and that shines through. I do not know this girl, but she's awesome if she's anything like the character in her drawings.

I can draw certain things sometimes. Like stick figures, and I draw a pretty mean balloon. But people with skin and eyes and lips, noses, the whole shebang, forget about it.

Everyone has one

This is mine.

1. Graduate college

2. Go to grad school

3. Get married

4. Adopt a boxer (name it Hero)

5. Have kids

6. Road trip all the way to California

7. Buy a boat

8. Become a teacher

9. Do SOMETHING with Broadway (acting, stage manager, tech crew, casting director, director)

10. Move away from Virginia for at least one year

11. Visit Dublin, Venice, Vienna, Prague, and Austria.

12. Design my own house

13. Ride an elephant

14. Learn to play piano

15. Learn to play guitar

16. Learn to play drums

17. Meet a famous person

18. Write a novel

I have more, that I'll add as I go along.

Lindsey is patient

Lindsey is patient.

Lindsey is patient.

Lindsey is patient.

Lindsey is patient.

Lindsey is patient.

Lindsey is patient.