This whole week I was stressed out. And I shouldn't have been, but I'm a perfectionist when it comes to certain things - singing, for example. My voice has to be perfect because my voice is the most precious thing I have from God (other than my family and friends). I see my voice as a huge gift and when I am sick... I don't sing. When I can't hit a high note... I don't sing. When it's too low... I don't sing. When I'm in front of a huge crowd I still get jitters even though after singing in New York my jitters have slowly started fading away.
But tonight was a big night. When I'm in charge of something (especially music) it has to be perfect. And things were not going perfectly. Songs were being rearranged, I wasn't on time for things. I was unorganized a few times, I wasn't ready for practices. I had a bazillion things to do an hour before everyone would have started arriving. I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
I couldn't eat I was so nervous.
But then...
A good friend pulled me aside. We went into a little room. She closed the doors and we stood in the dark. She took both of my hands and started praying. For this, I love her. (And for many other things too of course.) She prayed for God to bring me peace about the night. She prayed for Him to make me calm. She prayed for everything to work out.
Before going up on stage, I did not hear anything anyone was saying. I was praying the entire time. I told God that it was all out of my hands. Everything was up to him. The lives he transformed, the things people heard or took in from all of it. It was all His.
And as soon as I stood up on that stage, before I uttered a single word, I was immediately calm. I had no fear, no nervousness, no fright, nothing. I let myself go. I even sang a few off-key notes and didn't flinch. So many imperfections happened that I noticed. But they never fazed me.
I had the most fun tonight that I've ever had while leading Worship. It was so amazing for me to really experience God while I was leading my peers. It's been really hard for me to really worship while leading because I dwell so much on the actual leading part than coming in contact with God. It was a nice break. It was a nice change.
And then of course, after everything, another good friend came up and told me that a girl he'd gone to high school with came to our organization for the first time tonight. She was kind of a party girl in high school and tonight during our songs she was crying. I suppose it's hard to watch someone break down, but at the same time it's good because they are making their peace with God. They are going to learn from the experiences.
Anyway, before I went to sing I couldn't eat anything. But soon after I was ravenous so I downed two brownies... and then went for a bagel.
So now here I sit, writing this blog and staring at a zip-lock bag of brownies... should I go for a third?
No comments:
Post a Comment